The Unwelcome Fellow Travelers
by KeepingUpDisappearances
Summary: Niles and Daphne's romantic outings are intruded upon when they encounter the unbearable Hyacinth Bucket-but neither Daphne nor Niles will let the insufferable Hyacinth get the best of them. They might even be able to help poor Richard Bucket along the way. Mild innuendo in a few places.
1. Chapter 1

_**I've toyed with the idea of a 'Frasier' x 'Keeping Up Appearances' crossover for quite a while, but wasn't sure how to make it work. Then I decided to look at the characters first and devise a plot after.**_

_**I realized that snobby, middle-class English housewife Hyacinth Bucket is a slightly milder version of Mel. In Hyacinth's case, we're able to laugh at what she does because her attempts in climbing the social ladder backfire, but in real life you'd want her to get a "smackdown" like Mel got in 'Taking Liberties.**_

_** There was also some opportunity for humor with the Buckets meeting another Englishwoman (you know who I mean) in visiting the sStates.**_

_**The rest just seemed to write itself.**_

_**I'm not sure if there's a big overlap of Frasier/Keeping Up Appearances fans but I wanted to share!**_

* * *

Daphne once would have felt out-of-place at upscale Chez Henri, but as she walked into the restaurant that boasted elegant, French-inspired décor, she was at ease. Perhaps it was because Frasier talked about it so much that it was almost familiar, but it was more likely due to the man who was at her side, his fingers laced through hers.

"You're going to spoil me, Niles Crane," she protested lightly.

His only answer was a loving smile before he approached the maître d', Thomas.

"Reservation for Niles Crane, please."

"Right away, Dr. Crane," Thomas said as a waiter appeared so quickly that it was as if she had materialized out of thin air. "Michelle will take you to your table."

Niles pulled out a chair for her when they arrived at their table. "Sit, Daphne."

"_Sit?_" Daphne laughed. "You sound as if you're talking to Eddie."

Michelle interrupted politely to take their drink order; Niles ordered an expensive wine with an air of expertise that still impressed Daphne, despite the years she had spent with the Crane brothers. They were nothing like her own brothers, who were content with even the worst swill.

When Michelle went away, Niles smiled ruefully at Daphne.

"Okay, that was a really unromantic way to offer you a seat. It's been a while since I've had a woman who appreciates small favors."

Something in his eyes told Daphne that he was thinking of the years they might have had if…

"Oh, stop fussing over me," she said hastily to bring his mind back to the present. "You're so sweet that you don't need to do anything else."

"I just like to spoil the woman I love."

Their conversation tapered off just as Michelle returned.

"Here is your wine, sir," Michelle said as she approached. "I'll take your orders if you are both ready."

They placed their orders, and Michelle hurried away.

"You remind me of those birds on David Attenborough's programs that go to extremes to impress the female birds—right down to the dancing and gifts," Daphne teased.

Niles wanted to make a witty reply, but before he could say a word, a commotion distracted everyone in the restaurant.

From the front lobby came a shrill, feminine, and distinctly English voice. All the restaurant patrons turned to watch the scene.

In front of the maître d' stand stood a middle-aged woman. Everything about her spoke of excessive effort: stiffly coifed hair, velvet jacket and skirt of a garish floral print, three strands of pearls, and a matching velvet hat bristling with silk flowers. This bizarre apparition was gazing demandingly at Thomas.

"What do you mean, _we can't dine here?_ On what grounds are you refusing us?" she demanded.

"I don't mean to be rude, madame," Thomas said politely. "I explained that you need a reservation."

"Can't you squeeze us in? My husband and I are doing a tour of the United States and we only have a few days to see each city."

She nodded toward a previously unnoticed, mousy-looking man standing behind her.

"I truly apologize," Thomas said, "but we give the tables to those who called ahead for a reservation. However, if you'll give me the number for your hotel, I can call you in case of any cancellations."

The woman looked highly offended.

"I _will NOT_ accept any secondhand reservations. We wish to be seated _now_. Surely you can move someone else's reservation around."

Thomas was starting to look flummoxed and the woman's husband finally spoke up.

"Hyacinth, the nice young man said that it's impossible to get us in. I'm sure there are plenty of nice restaurants nearby."

"_Persistence, _Richard! You must not give up so easily!"

Michelle arrived with the dinners, but neither Daphne nor Niles noticed, so transfixed were they on the scene. Hyacinth's annoyed frown turned into a patronizing smile. She spoke sweetly—too sweetly—to Thomas.

"If it is the reputation of the restaurant of which you worry, you needn't fear. I am from a highly desirable neighborhood and am well-known for my candlelight suppers. I have heard that others call me the best hostess in the West Midlands."

Daphne snorted. "As if anyone's going to care what specific part of England she's from."

Thomas's voice became tempered and cool.

"Ma'am, I have tried to be patient, but nothing you say can change the fact that you can't get in without a reservation."

Hyacinth looked even more offended; she sniffed indignantly and turned her nose up at the beleaguered maître d', a look of absolute disgust in her eyes. Her pretentions were gone, and there was a tense silence in the restaurant.

"Well!" Hyacinth exploded. She wasn't quite shouting, but she spoke in a dulcet tone. "I have heard much about the rumors about the manners—or lack thereof—of Americans, but I had hoped they were just that, rumors. You can't even grant a favor to overseas visit—,"

"Oh, shut up, you shrill sod!"

Pulling out of Niles' restraining grip, Daphne bolted toward Hyacinth. A collective gasp came from everyone in the restaurant. Hyacinth stared as Daphne gazed at her levelly, her eyes flashing.

"Excuse me?" Hyacinth said crisply. "_You're_ attacking _me?_ You're from England, aren't you? Don't you think it's terrible how they insult the people of your homeland?"

"I would, if Thomas was actually insulting you. But he's just following policies, and you're acting like a spoiled brat. By the way, I'm a citizen now, so if you insult my fellow Americans, you insult _me!"_

Suddenly a sound like rain falling on a rooftop filled the restaurant, but outside it was a calm, starlit night. The 'rain' came from the diners and employees as they applauded. Seeing that she had no supporters, Hyacinth marched out of the restaurant with Richard, her head held high but trembling.

Everyone began to talk at once. The head manager came to Daphne and shook her hand vigorously.

"Thank you for telling her off," he said. "I have never met such an unbearable woman! Your meal is on the house, and as it has doubtlessly grown cold, we'll replace it, too."

Daphne thanked him graciously before rejoining an astonished Niles.

"Daphne, that was _magnificent!_" he exclaimed.

"Someone had to shut her up," Daphne answered. "God, I hope we don't run into that awful woman again."


	2. Chapter 2

"Niles…" Daphne couldn't help laughing as her boyfriend edged away from a spider that was calmly crawling past them.

"What? Spiders bite!" Niles protested. "It could be a brown recluse or a black widow, or..."

"Just keep walking. It won't kill you."

It was a mild spring day and they were visiting the botanical gardens. They continued strolling the paths, admiring the many varieties of flowers, plants, and trees, enjoying every moment. Then, just as they approached the cactus garden, they heard an all too familiar voice.

"Look at how many leaves and dead petals they let fall on the paths, Richard," the shrill voice said. "It's _so_ untidy! If I ran the place I would NEVER let the gardeners get away with that."

"It's a really big place, Hyacinth," came the mild reply. "It's impossible to keep up with every leaf."

Niles and Daphne had no choice but to keep walking, as there was no other way to the cacti. Besides, they couldn't help pulling up a little to see what was happening.

Yes, it was _Her_, decked out in a stiffly tailored tweed ensemble, three strands of pearls, and white gloves, accenting with a feathered hat.

"Dear God," Niles said in an undertone. "Does she think she's the Queen of England?"

"Hardly," Daphne said. "Queen Elizabeth is much nicer and more elegant than her. That Hyacinth is just trying too hard!"

"Careless...so careless," Hyacinth was saying.

Daphne couldn't refrain from laughing. Hyacinth whirled and her eyes widened with shock at who she saw.

"Oh, it's... you," she said coldly. "Go on, laugh at me. I expect nothing better from young people these days!"

"Oh, I wasn't laughing at you. I was laughing at…something funny _he_ said," Daphne invented.

She nodded at Niles, who played along. "Uh, yeah, she's always laughing at my silly jokes."

Just then, a cell phone rang. It was Hyacinth's.

"Hellooo?" she said in an excessively lofty voice. There was a pause.

"It's pronounced, 'Bouquet'!" she said crisply a few moments later. "B-u-c-k-e-t—_'Bouquet'_. I do hope our evening won't commence with further mistakes. Seven o'clock? Very well. We will be there."

She turned to Richard. "That was the man from Cigar Volante. He pronounced our name 'Bucket'! Well, he got us a reservation for tomorrow night days, but my expectations are low, if he can't even pronounce our name right."

Niles and Daphne didn't mean to eavesdrop, but they couldn't tear themselves away, so fascinated they were with this woman's pompousness. Hastily they pretended to be deeply entrenched in observing a rare, dark purple tulip.

"I think that would look very nice in an English garden, don't you?"

Daphne startled as Hyacinth appeared next to her, seemingly past what had happened between them at Chez Henri.

"I guess so."

"Well, now that we keep running into each other, perhaps we should introduce ourselves. I'm Hyacinth BOUQUET and this is my husband, Richard."

Daphne shook her and Richard's hands politely. Richard gave her a genuine smile.

"I'm Daphne Moon, and this is my boyfriend, Niles Crane."

"Pleased to meet you," Niles said.

"Oh, I thought you were her husband," Hyacinth said, sounding surprised.

"Goodness, no," Niles said, puzzled at Hyacinth's demeanor. "We've only been going out for a few months."

"Oh. Well...excuse me for my assumption. Back in _my_ day, courting couples _always_ had a chaperone. Being alone together often leads to giving into temptation."

Niles and Daphne exchanged as secretive smile at Hyacinth's euphemism. How horrified she'd be if she knew that they spent many nights "giving into temptation"!

"Well, we'll be off," Daphne said hastily, perturbed at the very personal direction the conversation had taken.

"Wait, wait," Hyacinth said. "Why don't we walk with you?"

"Hyacinth," Richard said timidly, "we mustn't bother them."

"Nonsense. They can tell us about their fine city and give us a tour of these gardens. It's a lot nicer doing things with locals. Richard! Do stop frowning! Where's that diplomatic smile?"

Daphne and Niles tried to get away without being obvious, but Hyacinth was as persistent as a mosquito. Still, wasn't too bad at first; she peppered them with questions about Seattle but was polite. It wasn't long until she was back to her obnoxious self, however.

Upon learning that Niles was the brother of "that radio shrink, Frasier Crane" she declared that it was very distasteful to air one's grievances and that prudent people would let God sort things out. Mentioning God then turned Hyacinth to ask Daphne if she was "still Anglican".

"What's it like in West Midlands?" Daphne said quickly to avoid a discussion about religion.

"Oh, it's _lovely_," Hyacinth crooned. "We have such beautiful countryside. I love to host riverside suppers. And on fine days, I volunteer at our church to help maintain the grounds. Our young vicar is _so_ grateful for my help that he's practically speechless. I also return his great services to the Church by inviting him to my candlelight suppers. I am well known in my neighborhood for those suppers."

"Oh yes, I'm sure you are," Daphne said with forced interest (and some skepticism).

"Our son, Sheridan, takes after me," Hyacinth declared as they went from the cactus garden into the warm, steamy rainforest greenhouse. "He is _so_ creative, and he's doing very well at university. Richard, you're perspiring!"

Hyacinth's abrupt scolding startled her reluctant companions.

"I can't help it, Hyacinth, you know I'm very sensitive to heat and humidity," Richard protested.

"It is _very_ ungentlemanly to perspire in public."

There was a brief, awkward silence. Niles tried to save the situation. He smiled encouragingly at the timid Mr. Bucket. He'd once been there—the subservient husband who followed marching orders.

"It _is_ rather warm in here," he said supportively.

Richard gave Niles a grateful smile, but quickly turned his attention back to Hyacinth when she spoke to him. She was leaning over a large bird-of-paradise plant.

"Don't you think this would look beautiful in our garden?"

"I don't think it's hot enough or humid enough to grow in England, Hyacinth," Richard said.

"Nonsense! I'm sure you can make it grow if you just try hard enough. You need to be more executive, Richard! Just _think_ of how lovely it would look in our front garden! We'd be the talk of the neighborhood!"

While Hyacinth was pontificating on this point, Niles and Daphne managed to slip away, hurrying through the greenhouse and out into the crisp air. They looked at each other and laughed.

"She's a nightmare!" Daphne exclaimed.

"Poor Richard," Niles said. "I've been there, where it's been easier to just back down than to be assertive."

"You did stand up for yourself eventually, though," Daphne said encouragingly, thinking of his standoff with Mel.

"I only did it for _you_. Without you…I never would have had the courage to do that."

"And you were wonderful," Daphne declared.

In a sudden burst of emotion, she kissed him deeply. They lingered for several moments, until a disapproving exclamation caused them to break the kiss. They saw Hyacinth looking at them with a disapproving expression.

"Is something wrong, Hyacinth?" Daphne asked tartly.

"I just think displays of romantic behavior are best kept behind closed doors," Hyacinth answered.

To the surprise of Niles and Daphne, Richard chimed in nervously.

"Hyacinth, it's really no one's business."

A cold expression that Niles knew only too well from his ill-advised marriages clouded Hyacinth's face.

"Richard, _don't shout_ outdoors!" she hissed.

Richard looked so defeated that Niles couldn't take it anymore. He had to help this poor creature if he could, and instantly concocted a plan. While the Buckets sidetracked a bit to admire a bird, he whispered his plan to Daphne. She was none too keen on the plan, but she pitied Richard, so she agreed. When the Buckets rejoined them, Niles spoke up.

"Daphne and I would like to take you to lunch at the Space Needle," he declared. His 'like' was quite forced, but Hyacinth beamed widely.

"How lovely!" she exclaimed. "Where's your car? Did you want to go now?"

"Maybe they want to meet us there, Hyacinth," Richard said. "We can get a cab."

"Nonsense! I'm sure our good friends would be so courteous as to drive us."

Niles felt put on the spot.

"Why, yes, of course we'll drive you."

* * *

**A/N: There are a number of botanic gardens in Seattle, so for convenience I made one up. It's loosely based on the botanical garden in Washington, D.C. (highly recommended!)**


	3. Chapter 3

"Richard, you go sit up by Niles. Daphne and I will have a nice chat back here."

Hyacinth beamed at Daphne, who smiled back awkwardly. She reminded herself that they were doing this for kindly yet put-upon Richard.

"What a _lovely_ car!" Hyacinth exclaimed when she saw the BMW. "So well-polished. Just like our car at home. Richard keeps it in tip-top shape."

She was still pontificating as she buckled her seat belt.

"Of course, we could afford a car like this, but we live in a humble neighborhood, and we wouldn't want it to like as if we were bragging, would we?"

"Do you have family nearby?" Daphne interrupted.

"O-oh, _yeees_," was the answer, still in that airy voice. "I have three little sisters. Violet has a lovely country house, with a Mercedes and sauna. The rest, poor dears, have fallen away from their sister's loving direction, but I still care for the wayward sheep. My father is still alive. He stays with my sister, Daisy."

"Are all your sisters married?" Daphne asked. Anything to deflect Hyacinth's sanctimonious bragging.

"Well, all but my youngest sister, Rose," Hyacinth said. "Now, Violet picked out a fine husband. A well-to-do turf accountant. I think your—ah—_suitor_ is a good choice. Sharp-dressed and successful. I can tell he's cultured, too. Not one of those types of men who think watching a football [**A/N: soccer!] **match is an ideal evening out"

Daphne choked back an unladylike fit of laughter. If one of the traits of a 'cultured' man was a disinterest in sports, Niles had to be one of Seattle's elite. He seemed to sense what she was thinking, for he flashed her a playfully stern look before turning his attention back to the road.

Then Hyacinth went on another avenue.

"Now, I'm sure that marriage is in the future for you and your young man, so I have some advice for young wives…"

By the time they got to the Space Needle, Daphne was feeling almost murderous. Hyacinth's ideas of how a wife should behave sounded suffocating. Niles seemed greatly amused, however.

"And lastly, but perhaps most importantly of all," Mrs. Bucket declared, "marriage is meant to cool the flames of romantic frivols, so both partners can focus solely on living a sensible and frugal life."

Daphne had to turn away to hide her grin. Married or not, she knew that she and Niles would never lose the passion they shared.


	4. Chapter 4

"I must admit, this is a _beautiful_ view!" Hyacinth said, her voice for once sounding natural. "I'm more of a countryside type myself, but travel is really broadening, isn't it?"

"I've never travelled much, myself," Daphne said amiably, surprised by Hyacinth's friendly tone. "In Manchester, I couldn't afford to travel, and I've been so happy and busy here that I really haven't thought of a long vacation, although Niles _has_ been talking about taking me to Italy."

She immediately regretted her last words, sure that she'd get another lecture from Mrs. Bucket about the supposed impropriety of being with Niles "unchaperoned". There was not a word, however. Hyacinth was gazing over the glittering, clear waters and the activity at its shores, and then her eyes swept over the city. Her pretentions were gone, at least for a moment. Daphne looked out on the scene as well. For as long as she'd lived in Seattle, its modern splendor never ceased to amaze her. So different from back home…

"Doesn't your young man want to have a look?" Hyacinth asked.

"Oh, no, he's terrified of heights," Daphne laughed.

"So is Richard. Once we were touring the countryside and I sent him up a tree to see if he could spot anything interesting. He was a wreck after. Poor dear, I suppose he's inherited vertigo from his grandfather."

At that moment, Niles called to the women that their lunches had arrived. They all sat at a meticulously arranged table, which passed Hyacinth's inspection—she even held up her water glass to the light and inspected the tableware. Her behavior, which some might call borderline paranoid, made Daphne laugh a little to herself. She'd seen Niles do the same thing.

It was a surprisingly pleasant time as they ate their lunches in the Needle's Sky City restaurant, the warm afternoon light giving the place a fresh feel. Richard managed to take charge of the conversation, and Daphne and Niles found that he was a brilliant conversationalist.

Under Hyacinth's disapproving eye, he even discussed the upcoming football match between Manchester United and Liverpool. The "sports talk" left Niles bewildered, but having grown up with sports-crazy brothers, Daphne was well-versed on the subject.

And then _IT_ happened. Niles initiated his plan.

"Well, Richard," he said casually, "what else do you have planned?"

"We only have one day left, so we were planning on going to some of the museums, toddle down to Pike's Place Market…"

Niles waved his hand as if in dismissal.

"Oh, that's tourist stuff," he said, though those were the very places he normally would have recommended. "You should do a biking tour of the city. I know a place where you can rent bikes and they'll give you a map of recommended routes."

"That actually sounds interesting!" Richard exclaimed. "I've always been keen on cycling, but it's been a while."

"Oh, we won't be doing that," Hyacinth interrupted sweetly. "My plan is much better suited for someone our age."

"It'll be just fine!" Richard insisted. "You brought your slacks with you, they'd be perfect for biking…"

"I bought them because we'll be on a boat tour of the Sound tonight, and with the wind off the water, it's a very inappropriate place to wear skirts," Hyacinth decreed. "Otherwise, a lady never wears trousers in public. And I repeat that a retired gentleman such as yourself should be taking life slowly. We don't want to cultivate an air of frivolity to the young people on the city streets. They need an example of how to age _gracefully_."

Richard wilted visibly, and Niles stepped in. This would be tricky, playing psychiatrist to Richard without Hyacinth catching on, but he was prepared.

"I think everyone should do something daring once in a while, don't you, Richard?" he interjected casually.

Silently he was saying what he wished he could say: _tell your wife that you have just as much right as she does to do what you want. What do _you_ want, Richard? _

"Well…it does sound fun…" Richard ventured.

"No!" Hyacinth said, not quite shouting, but severe none the less. "I will _not_ have you going about the city in such a manner. I forbid it!"

Niles glanced subtly at Richard. And then a miracle happened.

"No, Hyacinth, I agree with Niles. It's good to do something out of the ordinary sometimes. And if you don't want to go, that's fine. You can relax at the hotel or go for a walk."

"I said I—,"

"I know what you said, but my mind's made up."

"I forb—"

Richard's eyes were suddenly steely.

"No, Hyacinth. You won't push me around this time. I'm doing the biking tour first thing tomorrow morning. And don't look at me like that. You won't change my mind."

There was a deathly silence before Hyacinth, who looked as if she were going into shock, spoke coldly to Niles.

"We're going to our hotel. Drive us back."

Hyacinth was sulky and silent as Niles navigated the streets of Seattle, but the rest were engaged in lively conversation. Richard had a confident air about him now; the quick transition was a delightful surprise. As they got closer to the Buckets' destination, the conversation turned to that subject.

"The Edgewater Hotel, eh?" Daphne said. "We've never been, but I've heard its lovely."

"It is beautiful," Richard said. "I like the views best, though. We don't live close enough to the English coast to visit it often. I loved watching the sunset last night. It almost makes me want to go sailing."

This made Hyacinth come out of her sulk.

"Of course, we _could_ have stayed at the Olympic Hotel, but we don't believe in excess," she said airily, as if she were trying to reclaim her dignity.

"I gave you a choice, Hyacinth," Richard said mildly. "We're on a budget. I said we could stay there, but would have to be more sensible on our next vacation."

A sly grin briefly flitted across Richard's face. His newfound confidence was giving the courage to call Hyacinth on her bluff; now the tables were turned, and she was the one being put in her place. As justified as it might be, however, the tension that followed was making the ride very uncomfortable. Niles quickly turned the conversation back to the original subject.

"Well, now you make _me_ want to go to that hotel," he remarked cheerfully. "Perhaps a romantic stay with my Daphne is in order."

Hyacinth's face was one of unbridled disapproval and she spoke condescendingly to Daphne.

"Tell Niles to be a gentleman and save that for when you two are married."

Daphne decided to have a bit of fun with Hyacinth. She remembered a cursory telephone conversation with her mother that had taken place just the week before. Somehow Daphne had let it slip that she and Niles were sleeping together. Gert's reaction had been one of shock as she shrieked into the telephone, claiming that her own daughter was being 'improper' and 'fast'. Daphne almost laughed at how her mother chose to think that she had been 'innocent' after all these years. It was the shaming words that made Daphne snap, however.

Ignoring her mother's constant exclamations of horror, she recited all the 'partners' she'd had in Manchester, and defiantly declared that she'd be at Niles' place every night if she pleased. It was surprisingly freeing, even if she'd revealed more than she should have.

Oh, this would be good. Now it was Daphne's turn to put Hyacinth in her place. She grinned, remembering her mother's reaction. How would Hyacinth respond?

"We haven't even discussed marriage yet," Daphne laughed. "Far too soon! But it's just too unnatural for us to repress ourselves. We like to express our love to each other. Quite often, I might add."

Niles turned bright pink and Richard coughed awkwardly, but Daphne was enjoying Hyacinth's reaction hugely. The woman's jaw was practically on her chest and it seemed she had forgotten how to blink.

"You young people! All you think of is improper romantic behavior!" she told Daphne, who merely grinned. "I think Richard and I will explore Seattle on your own. You and Niles needn't bother coming by for us tomorrow."

They hadn't made such an offer, but Daphne let it slide.

When they were at the doors of the Edgewater Hotel, Hyacinth stormed out of the car in a cold fury. She didn't even say a word to Richard as she disappeared into the lobby. Richard, however, thanked Niles heartily for his help. In just a short time, Richard Bucket had become a new man. After graciously saying goodbye to Daphne, he went into the hotel with a spring in his step.

"This has been a very interesting day!" Daphne exclaimed they left the Buckets behind them.

"Yes, I'm sure Hyacinth was entertained by what you said about—us," Niles said; he tried to sound angry, but quickly broke down in laughter. "Reminded you of your mother, didn't she?"

"Yes. Thank goodness we're rid of them—well, _her_. I do like that Richard."

"He's very kind. I knew I had to do something for him."

"How did you come up with all that?" Daphne enquired.

"I just had to set up an opportunity for him to stand up for himself, so I got into Hyacinth's mind. What sort of thing might Richard want to do, but Hyacinth try to forbid him from doing?"

"There's my devious man," Daphne said proudly, touched by what the man she loved so much had done for the beleaguered Mr. Bucket.

There was a brief silence, which was broken when Niles happened to glance at the time on the dashboard display.

"Do you have anything that needs doing at Frasier's place?" he asked casually.

"No. I had your father do his exercises before we went to the gardens, and he's having dinner at the Timber Mill with his ex-cop buddies. Frasier's having dinner with his latest date. Out with it, Niles Crane. What are you thinking?"

"Well…I was thinking I could take you back to the Montana. 'Improper romantic behavior' sounds very appealing right now."

Daphne leaned toward the driver's seat and suggestively slid her hand up Niles' leg (and a little higher)—which was the only answer he needed.

_**Fin~**_


End file.
